June 9, 1994 I attempted suicide. I was left in a coma, with kidney failure on dialysis. I was told I would need a kidney transplant. Now, I honor this day– as a day that, for whatever reason, I am still here, despite my best efforts. I celebrate this day as the day that the light of my spirit was sparked and I began the inward journey of healing.
This year is different than in years past as I recently had a layer of healing exposed when I was at “The Joy of Being” retreat in May. It was during Kim Eng’s Presence through Movement class. We started with standing breathing and gently waking up our body with shaking of the arms and legs. We moved into more active shaking to a Beatles song. Kim encouraged us to let the negative energy out that we store in our tissues. The negative energy that blocks meridians and inhibits the flow of chi in Traditional Chinese Medicine or blocks chakras and inhibits the flow of prana in Ayurvedic Medicine.
I let my body flow, dance, swing, sway and groove to the music – uninhibited with my eyes closed. I let go of “I hope I don’t look stupid” and just moved my body. After that, we did a few yoga poses.
As I bent forward over my legs it felt like my kidneys were on FIRE. It hurt so bad. Then, boom, an image was projected into my mind of me lying in a coma after my suicide attempt. This was an aerial view of me looking down at me lifeless in the hospital bed as if I were having an out of body experience. A snap shot perhaps of the moment my soul decided to stay. And then I shed a few tears.
I watched the tears as they rolled onto my leg and mat. I breathed even deeper and exhaled even deeper than that. The pain in my kidneys shifted and the image faded away. It dawned on me that while I have written about my experience I have never felt it or really talked about it. Instead, I stuffed it deep inside, picked up my socks, moved on and god forbid, don’t look there – it is too dark, too scary, too upsetting, too much for most.
I had goose bumps after this experience with Kim. Afterwards, we shared an incredible moment of grace as I looked deeply into her eyes in silence for a few seconds before simply saying ‘Thank you, thank you” – the most simple, yet powerful words sealed with a loving embrace, grace and compassion.